May. 2nd, 2009

me: ;) :-o you are the epitome of amazing
T: you are the epitome of sweetness

~~

Today was a pleasant day.
It actually started out pretty bad.
Language exchange day in Japanese class…
I won’t even go into it…
But…games…oh…games…especially telephone…
I want to hide while being put on the spot…
So I think some people in my class maybe dislike me now.
I was trying to appear cheerful and friendly in the start…
And was almost getting away with it…
But…bam…there it goes…
I just don’t want to alienate people anymore.
It’s like either I’m like a baby turtle
in a shell
swinging my arms and legs around
in a tank full of too much water
or I’m a babbling idiot saying so many things
that I don’t mean at all with the word “like” inserted in
every other sentence.
Well, neither of those are my true self. Are they?
I get very confused about myself.

Anyway, I want to start drawing again.
Someone has inspired me.
Someone who drew something for me that resembles a cat.
With a heart on the tail?
I’ll never know for sure what it is…
Ahhh…it’s a secret.

I tried drawing again but it’s been so long.
I miss my life at home.
With all my notebooks and art supplies and instruments I don’t know how to play.
I liked sitting around listening to music and drawing whatever.
Usually I’d draw with pastels and the dust would get everywhere.
Colorful dust.
I’ve never been satisfied with any drawings because I’m too impatient.
But I like feeling like I’m practicing and doing something.

May. 8th, 2009

I was walking back from dinner alone…
There are these stairs that lead up a hill.
On both sides, there’s a tree-y, bushy area.
I heard some rustling in the distance.
I glanced over and was shocked to see an opossum.
I stood and stared at it for a while…as it got closer.
It then stopped at the edge of the stair rail
and stared at me. I felt so uncomfortable.
It then raised its front legs and was getting into a strange position.
I squealed and ran off…but at the top of the stairs I glanced back…
And saw the opossum crossing the stairs…jumping into the bushes at the other side.

There is something so creepy about those animals.
You never know when they’ll show up and you rarely see them.
When you do, they stare at you…and it’s unsettling.
Their white faces and small beady black eyes…
They’re spooky animals.

Apr. 27th, 2009

People don’t like to hear negative things.
I’ve suddenly become an entertainer against my own will.
So I must tell the people what they want to hear.

I frolicked through a land of giant lollipops.
A land where jellybeans are basketballs.
A land where the clouds are cotton candy.
And tears taste like sugar water.

There is nothing to whine about.

Apr. 29th, 2009

A week without sleep takes its toll.
Nausea, headache, backache, foot ache.
Weights hanging from the face and body.
Eyes burning.
Slowness of mind and body.
Random surging pains.
A nap is necessary
But I will not sleep yet.

I had an exam.
Suddenly
Maybe due to lack of sleep
I found the professor attractive

My pen had run out of ink
In the middle of the exam
I neglected to bring another with me
I informed him that my pen was dead
And he offered me one from his pocket

This slightly chubby
Overly nerdy
man
in his 30s
Nerdy suit, glasses,
Many pens.
He was suddenly attractive.
Probably due to lack of sleep.
And so I was excited to borrow his pen.

How strange.

And I’ve come to realize
That beneath all my random attractions
is my love for my boyfriend

Because I could see my boyfriend
In the future
with many pens
wearing glasses
reading literature
and slightly chubby
though he’s thin now.

Sorry for all of this
I type like this because it’s easy for my mind.

Only in my mind.
Actually, no.
I didn’t imagine that.
I had a quick image in my head of showing up in his office and him forcing himself upon me on some desk thing.
But then I thought about how naughty that thought was…
And then I spoiled it for myself.
And I felt uncomfortable and probably made a face without realizing.

Some people might be into that.

In other news..
I told this to a friend and she was like
“You should have licked his pen”

That would be rather strange.
It was a lot better than my pen, though.
Wrote so smoothly.

I really don’t have much to say today. It’s just a working day. Or a day that I should be working. It’s a day to fill my mind rather than a day to throw things out of my mind.

Apr. 19th, 2009

I’m behind. I read slowly because I daydream too much.

There’s some girl I know who I thought was dead
But it turns out she’s not dead.
I thought her ex killed her.
I thought I didn’t notice for 20 days.
Then she came online.
Though she isn’t speaking to me.
So maybe he’s pretending to be her because
he saw the text message I sent.
I don’t know.

No killlling, please.
It’s not happy.

Oh, she just said, “I’m great”
Oh, she’s alive.

I like to jump to conclusions.
It makes life exciting.

Apr. 21st, 2009

Last night I figured out why I procrastinate and why I do a lot of other things.
Because I was being my own therapist in the shower.

Now I’m staring at the color of the sky outside.

I hate things right now.

But I’m 100% sane and 100% stable. 80% functional. 10% productive.

-

I let him cut out my tonsils while we were in an alley. It’s something I regret.

Apr. 12th, 2009

I’m overheating but my hands are cold.
I have a headache. My neck hurts.
It’s amazing how the mind can express feelings
through the physical state of the body.

I’ll share something that happened.
While I actually was sick.
I suddenly felt terrible and wrote in my diary.
I called myself a blah person and said I was sick of being a blah person.
My boyfriend later grabbed the journal and was trying to get to the page
but I was trying to stop him. He read it anyway.
I was embarrassed.
But he said, “You are not a blah person.”

Now he’s disappeared for over a week.
I don’t know what he’s doing.
I’m going to call next week if he doesn’t show up soon.

So, you have to understand that I’m extremely sensitive right now.
Because I’m dealing with being very alone where I am.
I hate discussing my problems.
I did learn that you’re supposed to hide your problems.


I’ve been procrastinating all day long.

Apr. 16th, 2009

(university dining hall)

So it was breakfast.
I wanted tomato slices.
Just tomato slices. Alone.
So there’s this sandwich bar.
There are tomato slices there.
“Oh, good,” I think to myself.

I walk up with a plate
I grab a tomato slice…
All of a sudden, a gigantic woman
is heading towards me
She’s a worker there
And she tells me
“THOSE ARE FOR SANDWICHES ONLY.”

I stand…gawking at my tomato slice…
Dumbfounded.
I repeat part of what she said
“Sandwiches…only?”

“MMHMM.”

“Oh”

I walk away and go back to my table.

I eat the one tomato slice
and I notice the gigantic woman
guarding the sandwich bar.
guarding the tomatoes from
my slimy tomato slice wanting hands.

“WHAT A STUPID RULE,” I think to myself.
“A STUPID, STUPID RULE…”

So next time…
I plan to get two slices of bread
I will put tomato slices between those bread slices
But I will not eat the bread.
I will waste the bread.
The bread will die
So that I may have tomato slices at breakfast.

This is my plan.
This is my plan.

Apr. 5th, 2009

I have piles but I pile everything one on top of the other and usually with the biggest items on bottom and smallest on top.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, just throws everything haphazardly into piles. He has two huge book piles in his room and then a CD pile. The book piles include hundreds of books at all angles jutting into each other and somehow not falling over. His method of piling fascinates me.

He also bought a barrel thing to put books into…rather than a bookshelf.
He has hundreds of books piled into it.
The other pile is on a little table. So he can’t use his table.

I wanted to organize his piles but he wouldn’t let me.
Aaaaaah.

Someone told me that I actually stack rather than pile.
But I always thought stacks and piles were the same thing.
But stacks were organized piles. Or something.
I don’t know.
Silly words.

Apr. 8th, 2009

I had a bizarre dream while napping.
I was visiting somewhere and my boyfriend was there.
And I was sleeping in the dream.
But I woke up and…
This is X-rated…SORRY…but it’s what happened

For some reason, my boyfriend was shoving his chinko into my mouth
(this is not typical of him in real life by the way)
And he was like, “I have to cum now and you have to drink it”
And I just did it in a zombified manner.
in a daze and just doing without thinking
but wanting to go to sleep
after that things got blurry and…
…going back to non-X-rated…

We were in a hotel but had to leave.
And my boyfriend disappeared.
And I was thinking about how I’d get my bag home without parents noticing
(for some unknown reason)

wait
in some other part
my boyfriend and i had a home
and we had a small room full of small dogs
and then a small room full of cats
separated by a door
my boyfriend was in the dog room
and i passed through it
i went into the cat room
and then the cat room started filling with water
and then there was a mentally disabled girl the size of a barbie doll with a donut floaty thingy around her waist
but she was real…
and
I was trying to play with her (as if she were a doll but she was alive…as I said)
and the water kept rising
and dirt kept appearing and trash kept appearing in the water
but i’d keep pushing it away
and eventually the girl…i accidentally pushed her underwater
and her body got cut in half somehow
i don’t know how
but then there was blood in the water
and i was disgusted and had to get out
and i kept trying to open the door
and the water was still rising

somehow i got out

anyway
the next part
cut to a subway station
i was frantically running down the subway station
and people kept telling me not to go down that direction
and i tried to use someone’s motorcycle to get down there
and then i had the feeling that something was coming
like monsters or aliens
and then subways appeared
and i was riding in between subways on the motorcycle somehow
and something was trying to grab me
but i couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary
except everyone was going fast
and then i turned back around and was trying to get out

somehow i ended standing on a platform again

calm
no motorcycle or anything
and i had bought a ticket
and somehow it skipped to me getting off a subway
and i then found some guy in the station
and he walked me to his dirty cluttered apartment

that’s all i can remember

The bag is on the head
That she’s carried by
everyone counts
On the side of the red
In line with our feet
Open Head
Brain surgery
You can listen to music
Also felt and forgotten
Returns and shadow
Same time of day
Every day
You are forever and I can smell?
Lick the surface
of the surface of the taste
Taste stays?
You are attached to the
You can go when you
Brain surgery
Uncontrollable grunts
That you know
The woman, like my hair
Unruly messy buns
Orthopedic shoes and long skirts
Had a head in a bag
In the subway, brushing against it
Your side you know, that is what you want?
Forgetting how much time it will take
And if I knew I forgot
They touch your brain
And bring
Want to stay
And other things
Pick and choose
Basket of apples
Up and down, her breasts
Get her in the chest and not regret
Sliding and the public
Uncontrollable grunting
Tunnel on the side of a concrete slab

Exhilarating sense of pressing your face
Wind tunnel as cold, dry winter
Is separated from the body in the head
If you can make any noise
Rounding the bag and put in zipper bags in the
Is the perm, the sigh of her illness
Sunday was what happened to the sun
Orange glow and a little cloud
When heat is decreased
and the roof is slightly
pulsating from the ground and,
She grabbed her chest - in your life
Why do you stand on
Directed to the pool
below my shoulders and
Expected were wet days
when the sun of the past
For the future,
at the height of your -
I think - he could pass all
My brain, let’s go —
Brain surgery - the grape juice?
We discovered in our hands
remove it.

Head in a bag
Carried by her
Nobody sees the drips
of red on the sides of
our feet lines and
open head
brain surgery
music can be heard
and felt though
you’ve forgotten it
and the shadows return
at the same time of day
every single day
can you smell it forever?
lick surfaces taste surfaces
how long does the taste stay
attached to you at the side
and when can you go to
brain surgery
uncontrollable grunts
did you know
the woman with the perm
unkempt messy bun
long skirt and orthopedic shoes
was carrying a head in a bag
on the subway and it brushed against
your side no you didn’t want to know, did you?
and how long would it take to forget
if you knew and if you forgot
could they poke your brain
and bring it back
you want things to stay
and other things to go
pick and choose
a basket of apples
up and down and in her chest
grab her chest and don’t regret
in public slip and side
uncontrollable grunting
aside the tunnel of concrete slabs
hitting your face and feeling refreshing
like a cold dry winter windy tunnel
she’s sagging and didn’t you regret
telling her she was too firm
when your head is seperated from the body
what noise do you make and when you can
smell the zipper of the bag the crumpled bag
her perm is sick and makes you sigh
what happened to the days when the sun was
slightly covered by clouds and an orange glow
fell upon the rooftops and a slight heat
was pulsating from the ground and you
grabbed her chest - in your life
why so inept? why did you stand on
your own shoulders and look down into the pool
of sunny wet days of past when you only hoped
for a future and then you were in your prime
and all you could think was the passing
brain surgery, let it go -
brain surgery - grape juice is what
we discovered on our hands and we
didn’t want to wipe it away.